{"id":1353,"date":"2025-10-23T10:40:07","date_gmt":"2025-10-23T14:40:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/?p=1353"},"modified":"2025-07-26T09:42:51","modified_gmt":"2025-07-26T13:42:51","slug":"book-review-never-enough-jennifer-breheny-wallace","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/social-media\/book-review-never-enough-jennifer-breheny-wallace\/","title":{"rendered":"Book Review: &#8220;Never Enough&#8221; Jennifer Breheny Wallace"},"content":{"rendered":"<blockquote>\n<p data-start=\"363\" data-end=\"491\"><em style=\"font-size: 1.6rem;\" data-start=\"495\" data-end=\"620\">\u201cWhen kids feel that their worth is contingent on their performance \u2026 they feel they only matter \u2026 if they are successful.\u201d ~<\/em><span style=\"font-family: Lato, sans-serif; font-size: 1.6rem;\">Jennifer Breheny Wallace<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<hr data-start=\"653\" data-end=\"656\" \/>\n<p data-start=\"658\" data-end=\"979\">I picked up <em data-start=\"670\" data-end=\"684\">Never Enough<\/em>\u00a0 on the recommendation from a few educators. I expected it to be non-surprising and \u201cpreaching to the choir\u201d; however,\u00a0 as I turned the pages, I quickly found myself being surprised by the depth of research bringing to light stories, strategies and solutions to what we know is a mental health crisis in our world. Wallace has written a book that meets you at the intersection of <strong data-start=\"869\" data-end=\"924\">personal conviction and professional responsibility<\/strong>\u2014especially if you\u2019re a parent, school leader, or both.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"981\" data-end=\"1405\">This book gains its power through the author\u2019s immersive research. Wallace embedded herself with families over several years, listening to teens and parents describe how a relentless culture of achievement was hollowing them out. Drawing on surveys from Challenge Success, Pew, and Gallup, and in conversation with psychologists like Lisa Damour, Wallace presents a compelling case: <strong data-start=\"1350\" data-end=\"1405\">our kids are performing, but they are not thriving.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1407\" data-end=\"1474\">And we\u2014the adults who shape their environments\u2014need to change that.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<h4 data-start=\"4997\" data-end=\"5040\">You Would Be Interested in This Book If\u2026<\/h4>\n<ul data-start=\"5042\" data-end=\"5408\">\n<li data-start=\"5126\" data-end=\"5235\">\n<p data-start=\"5128\" data-end=\"5235\">You\u2019re a school leader or educator who wonders if we\u2019re fueling<a href=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/1710425228688.jpeg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-1355 alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/1710425228688-300x300.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\" srcset=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/1710425228688-300x300.jpeg 300w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/1710425228688-150x150.jpeg 150w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/1710425228688-768x768.jpeg 768w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/1710425228688-620x620.jpeg 620w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/1710425228688.jpeg 800w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a> achievement at the expense of well-being.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"5126\" data-end=\"5235\">You have children in your life that are suffering, putting too much pressure on themselves, or if you are as well.<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"5126\" data-end=\"5235\">\n<p data-start=\"5128\" data-end=\"5235\">You\u2019re trying to balance high expectations with deep compassion\u2014for your students, children or yourself; i.e. looking for ways to bring balance between meaningfulness and achievement.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"5335\" data-end=\"5408\">\n<p data-start=\"5337\" data-end=\"5408\">You\u2019re ready to build a community that centres identity over accolades; i.e. looking to shift what your school honours and awards.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr data-start=\"1476\" data-end=\"1479\" \/>\n<h2 data-start=\"1481\" data-end=\"1525\">The Kids Are Not Alright\u2014And They Know It<\/h2>\n<p data-start=\"1527\" data-end=\"1744\">What really struck me from Wallace\u2019s research is how clearly these kids can articulate their exhaustion. In one interview, a student shared that their greatest fear wasn\u2019t failure\u2014it was not being seen as exceptional. This was grounded into her by her parents, the climate of school, social media pressures, and the college application process.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"1746\" data-end=\"2042\">This echoed something I\u2019ve witnessed in high-performing school environments: students who are deeply loved, well-supported, and <em data-start=\"1885\" data-end=\"1892\">still<\/em> quietly falling apart under the weight of perceived expectations. Wallace doesn\u2019t sensationalize this. Instead, she listens\u2014and helps us listen, too.<\/p>\n<blockquote data-start=\"2044\" data-end=\"2175\">\n<p data-start=\"2046\" data-end=\"2175\"><em data-start=\"2046\" data-end=\"2175\">\u201cWhen children are driven by a fear of not being good enough, they become more vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and burnout.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p data-start=\"2177\" data-end=\"2382\">She shows that students from well-resourced communities\u2014those we assume are \u201cset up for success\u201d\u2014are often the ones internalizing the message that <strong data-start=\"2324\" data-end=\"2382\">they must earn love and belonging through performance.\u00a0<\/strong>She quotes one teenager, Beth, who understood that her parents gave her all her needs and wants and in return she knew she \u201chad to be the child that they could boast about to their friends.\u201d But this quickly fell apart for Beth in her post-secondary life. Beth is one of many different cautionary tales from the author\u2019s research.<\/p>\n<hr data-start=\"2384\" data-end=\"2387\" \/>\n<h2 data-start=\"2389\" data-end=\"2440\">The Hidden Curriculum: You Matter If You Perform<\/h2>\n<p data-start=\"2442\" data-end=\"2592\">One of the most painful\u2014but important\u2014ideas in the book is that even well-meaning adults can send signals of <strong data-start=\"2551\" data-end=\"2575\">contingent mattering<\/strong>. Wallace writes:<\/p>\n<blockquote data-start=\"2594\" data-end=\"2762\">\n<p data-start=\"2596\" data-end=\"2762\"><em data-start=\"2596\" data-end=\"2762\">\u201cContingent self-worth is the message that your worth comes from what you do, not who you are. And the higher the perceived stakes, the more kids internalize this.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p data-start=\"2764\" data-end=\"2871\">Wallance highlights the role that parents can play in reinforcing a \u2018perfomance mindset\u201d (if you\u2019re interested in more on this, I highly recommend \u201cHow to Navigate Life\u201d by Dr. Belle Liang and Tim Klein)<\/p>\n<ul data-start=\"2872\" data-end=\"3083\">\n<li data-start=\"2872\" data-end=\"2930\">\n<p data-start=\"2874\" data-end=\"2930\">When we praise achievement more than effort or growth.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"2931\" data-end=\"3017\">\n<p data-start=\"2933\" data-end=\"3017\">When we allow students to skip family time or rest in the name of \u201cgetting ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"3018\" data-end=\"3083\">\n<p data-start=\"3020\" data-end=\"3083\">When we ask \u201cHow did the test go?\u201d before we ask \u201cHow are you?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p data-start=\"3085\" data-end=\"3319\">From this book, I took it that as parents, w<em data-start=\"3134\" data-end=\"3219\">e say we want students to do their best. But they hear us saying, \u2018Be the best.\u2019\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3085\" data-end=\"3319\">That subtle difference\u2014between invitation and expectation\u2014may be the heart of the mattering crisis.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3085\" data-end=\"3319\"><a href=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.35.57-AM.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1357\" src=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.35.57-AM-300x163.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"163\" srcset=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.35.57-AM-300x163.png 300w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.35.57-AM-1024x556.png 1024w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.35.57-AM-768x417.png 768w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.35.57-AM-620x337.png 620w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.35.57-AM.png 1352w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.10-AM.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1358\" src=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.10-AM-300x172.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"172\" srcset=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.10-AM-300x172.png 300w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.10-AM-1024x589.png 1024w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.10-AM-768x441.png 768w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.10-AM-620x356.png 620w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.10-AM.png 1378w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.20-AM.png\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-1359\" src=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.20-AM-300x142.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"142\" srcset=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.20-AM-300x142.png 300w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.20-AM-1024x485.png 1024w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.20-AM-768x364.png 768w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.20-AM-620x294.png 620w, https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/files\/2025\/07\/Screenshot-2025-07-26-at-9.36.20-AM.png 1372w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<hr data-start=\"3321\" data-end=\"3324\" \/>\n<h2 data-start=\"3326\" data-end=\"3365\">Strengthening the \u201cMattering Muscle\u201d<\/h2>\n<p data-start=\"3367\" data-end=\"3591\">Wallace doesn\u2019t suggest we lower expectations. Instead, she offers a deeply human solution: <strong data-start=\"3459\" data-end=\"3502\">help kids build their mattering muscle.<\/strong> One that teaches them they are valued and needed\u2014not just when they succeed, but always.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"3593\" data-end=\"3877\">She emphasizes that schools must become places of <em data-start=\"3643\" data-end=\"3665\">psychological safety<\/em>, where failure is seen as part of growth, not as evidence of inadequacy. Educators can play a pivotal role in this through their pedagogy and curriculum. She highlights Ms. Taylor from a school named Archer. Wallace followed three female students who, over time, shifted their internal monologue away from a scarcity, zero-sum mindset to one of valueing others. How did this happen?\u00a0 As educators we can set up our classrooms, and indeed our schools in order to:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li data-start=\"3593\" data-end=\"3877\">Teach, value and praise <em><strong>Interdependency<\/strong><\/em>: where my success doesn\u2019t come at the expense of others, and visa-versa. We can do this through project-based learning, and enhancing meaningful peer-review strategies;<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"3593\" data-end=\"3877\"><strong><em>Address the Tension:<\/em> \u00a0<\/strong>talk about the world view of scarcity and counter that with a world of abundance ~ where through collective action we raise more than our own boat.\u00a0 We can talk about the difference between \u2018benign envy\u2019 and \u2018malicious envy\u2019 as well as the role that a \u201cworthy rival\u201d can play in our lives, and share stories of our own experiences in this way<\/li>\n<li data-start=\"3593\" data-end=\"3877\">Use research to show students\u00a0<em><strong>How success is achieved<\/strong><\/em><em>.\u00a0<\/em>Wallace does an incredible job of emphasizing that competition is bad, it\u2019s how we conceive of it. And the biggest culprit is that society is telling students that there is really one one strict way to achieve success.\n<ul>\n<li data-start=\"3593\" data-end=\"3877\">She cites a poll from Gallup where there are six key characteristics from a post-secondary experience that denotes greater success in the workplace. Hint: it is not the name or exclusivity of the college! It is about the ability for a student to\u00a0<em><strong>MATTER<\/strong><\/em><em> in their learning environment.<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<hr data-start=\"4142\" data-end=\"4145\" \/>\n<h2 data-start=\"4147\" data-end=\"4196\">Reclaiming Home and School as Mattering Havens<\/h2>\n<p data-start=\"4198\" data-end=\"4365\">There is a powerful parallel between Wallace\u2019s framing and what we aspire to build in schools\u2014communities where each child is known, not ranked.\u00a0 In her resarch, she met Tara Christie Kinsey, from Associate Dean at Princeton University, who responded to the many, many students who would come to her office, depressed, anxious, worried, burned out. Kinsey says,<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<p data-start=\"4198\" data-end=\"4365\">It\u2019s not their fault. It\u2019s the faul of the system, which has produced these amazing, hardowking kids whoare just maniacally jumping through hoops, but they don\u2019t feel a sense of meaning, a sense that what they do matters or adds any real value\u2026 Of course we know from decades of research that meaningless achievement doesn\u2019t give the payoff we think it will.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p data-start=\"4198\" data-end=\"4365\">So what might schools do: double-down, or reinvent: Consider these two questions posed by two different educators from her research:<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"4198\" data-end=\"4365\"><em><strong>\u201cIf we actually gave in, and a developmentally reasonable schedule emerged, we might achieve a healthy balance for our students at the cost of our schools\u2019 distinctiveness; we might lose our edge, and become a vanilla school, and who would want to come to a vanilla school?\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: center;\" data-start=\"4198\" data-end=\"4365\">VS.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"4198\" data-end=\"4365\">\u00a0\u201c<em><strong>How might we reverse engineer a K-12 education that gives students what they really need?\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"4367\" data-end=\"4624\">She notes that families and schools must reclaim their roles as <strong data-start=\"4431\" data-end=\"4453\">\u201cmattering havens\u201d<\/strong>\u2014spaces where unconditional value is felt. And she\u2019s clear: this doesn\u2019t mean removing structure, accountability, or ambition. It means untethering identity from outcomes. It means providing a sense of value to contributions outside of the classroom: volunteering, peer-mentoring, and who students are beyond their grades ~ i.e. their interests and pursuits outside of school.<\/p>\n<p data-start=\"4626\" data-end=\"4681\">One of the most useful reframes in the book was this:<\/p>\n<blockquote data-start=\"4682\" data-end=\"4774\">\n<p data-start=\"4684\" data-end=\"4774\"><em data-start=\"4684\" data-end=\"4774\">\u201cSuccess doesn\u2019t guarantee mattering. But mattering creates the conditions for success.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p data-start=\"4776\" data-end=\"4990\">There are great connections in \u201cNever Enought\u201d to other leadership books I have reviewed: <em data-start=\"4834\" data-end=\"4858\">The Power of Mattering<\/em>, <em data-start=\"4888\" data-end=\"4914\">Unreasonable Hospitality, and How to Navigate LIfe,<\/em>\u00a0that all speak to the same truth: <strong data-start=\"4950\" data-end=\"4990\">relationships first. Systems second.<\/strong><\/p>\n<hr data-start=\"4992\" data-end=\"4995\" \/>\n<p data-start=\"5337\" data-end=\"5408\"><span style=\"font-family: 'Playfair Display', sans-serif; font-size: 2.6rem;\">Final Thought<\/span><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"5433\" data-end=\"5647\">Reading <em data-start=\"5441\" data-end=\"5455\">Never Enough<\/em> was like reading a wake-up call written for compassion. Wallace offers not blame, but clarity. She shows that <strong data-start=\"5567\" data-end=\"5647\">thriving isn\u2019t about lowering the bar\u2014it\u2019s about changing where we place it. It\u2019s isn\u2019t about getting rid of ambition and success, it\u2019s about reevaluating\u00a0<em>how<\/em> we get there, and who helps us achieve.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"5649\" data-end=\"5773\">And maybe, just maybe, it\u2019s about learning to say to our kids and colleagues alike: <em data-start=\"5739\" data-end=\"5773\">You matter to me\u2014no matter what.<\/em><\/p>\n<p data-start=\"5775\" data-end=\"5808\">Let\u2019s start saying that out loud.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cWhen kids feel that their worth is contingent on their performance \u2026 they feel they only matter \u2026 if they are successful.\u201d ~Jennifer Breheny Wallace I picked up Never Enough\u00a0 on the recommendation from a few educators. I expected it to be non-surprising and \u201cpreaching to the choir\u201d; however,\u00a0 as I turned the pages, I&#8230;<br \/><a href=\"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/social-media\/book-review-never-enough-jennifer-breheny-wallace\/\">Read more <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":1356,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"wds_primary_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[132,23,118,10,72],"tags":[49],"class_list":["post-1353","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inclusion","category-leadership","category-school-closures","category-social-media","category-wellness","tag-book-review"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1353","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1353"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1353\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1360,"href":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1353\/revisions\/1360"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1356"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1353"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1353"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cohort21.com\/garthnichols\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1353"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}